Saturday, January 03, 2015

Not Your Typical Fast

I have a confession to make:

I am a research addict.

When Haven died, I spent literally 2 months, morning to night, researching everything relating to stillbirth. And I mean Every. Single. Day. When her autopsy results came back, I again researched every day for several weeks so I could understand as much as possible about her cause of death. I am now a veritable encyclopaedia of knowledge on the topic. 

The problem? It turned me into a total basket case. It took months for me to figure out that the research was causing me intense anxiety. So much so that I fought insomnia for about four months and was having symptoms like shortness of breath, attacks, and heart palpitations.

Fast forward to the night of my D&C. I was only a few hours out of surgery and the search engine on my phone was being worked overtime.

Hubs has suggested (or told me sternly, perhaps) that I need to cut out the research completely. I think that he might be right. If I don't, there is no "cross that road when we come to it" because in my fearful mind, we are at ALLOFTHEROADSRIGHTNOW! I don't think I can handle much more of the constant panic (or the palpitations which have now been my friend for the last month and a half or so).

I hate to admit when hubby is right, but I have been slipping down that slippery slope again. I had a total meltdown this evening after finding out some really scary things I was unaware of and the fear and pain just swallowed me up without warning. See, though I am partly grateful for my extensive knowledge and understanding of the things we have gone through and now face, all of that research coupled with my fears has pretty much turned me into a fertility hypochondriac. If I read about something that is a scary cause of pregnancy loss or a side effect of the procedures I have had to go through, I am immediately convinced that I have those things. My hope is in tatters and I don't know how to overcome this.

So, dear husband, who reads my posts, I am going on a research fast...for now at least. You are permitted one free "I told you so" on the house.

1 comment:

ph said...

I'm not going to ask for a free 'I told you so' of my own. Even though I kinda did just then anyway. Sorry.

Bottom line, B, is I'm glad you maxxed
out on the perpetual info dump of awful and have stepped away. I'm also pleased that you're writing it all out, whether here or elsewhere.

Re your following post: I hope you're living, and that you're glad of it.