Thursday, May 07, 2015

How to Let Go?

As I sit here facing the disappointment of yet another cycle where we didn't conceive, the seventh such cycle in a year, I can't help but think how hard it is to let go. I know that I need to let the hope die and just live my life, because the heartache every month is too much to bear. It is always a reminder of how much we have lost.

I often drive past an abortion clinic on my way to work and think, "what I would give to have those babies." On that same stretch of road is a pharmacy which I remember walking to when we were first married where I bought a pregnancy test; I was worried that I might be pregnant. How I wish now that I could shake myself and tell that version of me how wonderful it would be and to not be afraid. I can't believe this is my life sometimes...

How do I let go of the dream of a family and live my life? I wish I knew. For more than a year now, my daily focus has been on bringing another baby into the world, hopefully one that is screaming his or her lungs off. Even though a part of me feels that I will never have more babies, my mind can't wrap itself around that possibility. I watch the pregnancy announcements roll on with a numb feeling and wonder, "will it ever be me?" 

How the heck do I let go?


T. Mckenzie Joseph said...

Oh hun.... I'm right there with you. I don't know how you ever let go. I ask myself this same question all the time lately. I think its more of living for the here and now and not worrying about the future. Hugs sweetie and I'm sorry it was another month of disappointment!

MacJo said...

Hey I just set up my own blog

Brandi said...

Thanks, ducky. It's good to hear from you! I miss you and the app ladies! It's been good to unplug, though. :)

I am also trying to live for the here and now. I would hate to spend the next five years 100% focused on trying to get pregnant, then wake up one day to realize how much I missed.