Sunday, October 26, 2014

A Beginning

It is hard to know where to begin. For those who know me, the back story is mostly clear, but for anyone who might happen upon my little corner of the blogosphere and wonder what I'm all about, a little introduction may be in order.

My name is Brandi. My hubby, Danny, and I live on the island of Newfoundland on the East Coast of Canada. We both studied Linguistics, but I'm a desk jockey and Danny works in Loss Prevention. I didn't grow up here; I fell in love with Newfoundland, then I fell in love with Danny and made this beautiful place my home. But I guess the thing I am trying to tell you, the thing that I am skirting around, is that we lost our beautiful daughter, Haven, at the end of a healthy and uneventful pregnancy on Valentine's Day this year. I won't tell the story here, but if you visit my pregnancy blog (click here) you can read about it. I no longer feel like I can truly tell someone about myself without first telling them about what happened. Even though it is not obvious, I'm a mother to an absent child.

After Haven died, my life fell apart for awhile. I look back now and it's scary to see how far into the fog I had gone. The shock took about three months to wear off, then I realized that a lot of the feelings I had attributed to grief were in fact severe depression and anxiety. It took time, love, medication, therapy, and people's prayers to get out of that place. Depression's grip is not altogether loosened, but I find myself living again. Scarred, but looking to the future that was so recently obscured. Joy has also crept in, and I find myself living with a depth that I have never experienced before. Grief has a way of focusing you; nothing looks the same through its lens.

Now I'm going to tell you another thing about us. We are expecting again after a few months of trying. I'm happy and grateful...and utterly terrified. I process best through writing, so naturally, I knew that this is where I had to come. I'm just 7 weeks pregnant now, but whatever may come, I want our loved ones to know where we are at. If this year has taught me anything, it has been that we need each other.

There is a passage in the Bible that became special to me this year. Matthew 10:29-31 says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care. And even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." It spoke to me that God knew my little daughter, even if no one else ever would, and that she was in His care. We had that verse printed on her headstone, and it is the inspiration for this blog's title.

I plan to use this blog to track my pregnancy and our journey along the wherever life leads us. I invite you to follow along.

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