I don't exactly bring it up in conversation, as I don't like to come off as a complete lunatic, but one of my fondest thoughts has been that somewhere, in a different timeline, the words "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat" are never uttered. Haven is born screaming and pink and we never know the anguish of birthing and burying our still daughter, nor the bottomless grief that a parent feels when they say goodbye forever. We would only know the joy of her smiles and laughs, of the sleepless nights and never ending laundry. In my thoughts, in this timeline, our family is whole.
Now, my even fonder thought is that, on this plane of time, our family of three is growing again. Our little nine-month-old Haven is going to be a big sister. We are overwhelmed but excited.
I don't live in these thoughts every day because I don't want to get lost in them, but every now and then, I think about the possibility and it brings me a little comfort. In my mind, I visit ordinary days in the lives of Other Us, where things are hectic but happy, and the house is filled with the sounds of a child. It's bittersweet.
The movie also made me think about this little bean growing inside of me. I realized that I have really been holding back because I am so afraid of losing another child. But I decided last night that I owe it to this little person to love him or her just as wholeheartedly as I loved Haven, whether this little life dies tomorrow or outlives and buries me.
Deep thoughts for a Thursday morning...