Sunday, June 07, 2015


Sometimes I feel like it was all a dream, that it didn't happen. That I didn't give birth to a little girl who died. That I didn't miscarry just nine months later. That stuff happens to other people, after all. It feels like a story that belongs to someone else. 

We have been trying to get pregnant, but I somehow don't believe it's possible to get there again; a baby in my belly, looking forward to a certain future. Maybe that stuff just happens to other people too. My reality is a body that seems to be sick somehow, that is not getting pregnant. 

Some days I feel really at peace with it all. Others where I feel paralyzed by the fear of what could be wrong. I hate that our experiences have robbed me of my peace of mind. I worked hard to cultivate that trust in the world only to have it totally ripped away.

Weary, weary, weary. In all ways.


MacJo said...

My beautiful snow, I wish there was an answer to these questions of why! I wish things happened for a reason, who knows maybe they do. Maybe we just can't see the bigger picture. I'm sorry that you have had to see the darkest of dark places and I can only imagine how weary you must be. It is a big weight to carry on your shoulders. Just know that you are an amazing people and you have done such good with your loss for people like me that you have helped lift up. As much as I wish we had not met under these circumstances I'm thankful for you and your spirit! Big Big hugs!

Have you been back to the doctor? I know you were concerned about endo?

Anonymous said...

Hi! I've popped in via the Period App. I check in on you occassionally as I've followed your journey on there. One day I will hear that you are expecting again. It's happened twice for you so the odds are in your favour. Hugs! Amy xx

Brandi said...

MacJo, it is a pleasure to let others into my losses. It's hard to do so, but I know that healing is so much easier when it is a shared experience. It's so good to hear from you! I miss your spunky posts on the app. I have been to the doc and am juggling various tests - this stuff always takes so much time!

Anon - thanks for stopping by to read. I hope that it does happen for us again someday too.