Month Four and the Kicks

I think one of the cruelest physical symptoms left over from my first pregnancy is phantom kicks and flutters. I have mentioned this sensation before, but this just really, really gets to me. I've had them almost every day for the past week and every time I catch my breath for a second and think, "what if I am actually pregnant?" even if I know for sure that I am not at the moment. My mind goes wild for a few minutes... "maybe I am one of those rare cases where I continue to bleed every month but am actually pregnant, and maybe I'm also one of those rare women who doesn't get a positive pregnancy test for one of her pregnancies." Geesh.

It's just a cruel symptom. I don't know what causes them; I know it's not trapped gas, because that feels different. I wish they would end or, better yet, that there would be a real baby in there sometime soon who would give me real flutters and the reassurance that they are growing.

I keep a mini daily journal - just a few lines to describe my day, or to include a quote or thought. I recently looked back on last fall when I got that second positive and we thought for a few weeks we might have a second chance. I was surprised at how hopeful my entries were, and how excited. I don't feel I can muster much of those feelings anymore after 15 and a half months of grief and disappointment, then hope, then more grief and disappointment.

The last little hopeful part of me thinks, "you got pregnant in month four of trying last time...maybe that will hold true again this time around." Who knows? It would be kind of cool, because I would be due just weeks from when I was due with Haven if I were to conceive this cycle or next. The idea of it being so close totally freaked me out when we were trying last year, but now I think it would be kind of comforting.

And on with the day. Stupid kicks.

Grog

I was in bed until 9:00 today, then laid back down for a nap at 10:00. I wish I was joking! I remember being really tired with my first pregnancy, but I think my mind blocked out how long it lasted to protect me. I am draaaagging through each day with barely enough energy to move and am somehow still working full time. I was off for three days this past weekend, and most of what I did with my free time was nap!

When does it end?! I can't remember! Maybe it never did. :(

Week 7: Bloatasaurus Dreams of Sleep

Symptoms This Week

The title says it all. I am bloated, grumpy, and exhausted. I keep thanking my lucky stars that I am not sick this time - I had forgotten how truly awful it was. However, I am so dragged out that I hardly leave the couch anyway. :)

Look at my little pooch! It's bigger than my 12 week pooch last time, and I have been like this since I got pregnant this time. I am wearing my maternity gear in this photo already. Thank goodness for stretchy pants!

What We Did

We attended two CD release shows! Last night, we attended Amelia Curran's release, then Danny attended our dear friend Jerry Stamp's release. They are two of my favourite artists, so I am really looking forward to hearing the finished products. 

How I am Doing

Nervous wreck, here. I had some anxiety last time around, as does any woman in the first trimester, but this time it is much more amplified and is showing no signs of slowing down. See, most women think that after the first trimester they are "safe," whereas I am utterly terrified of what comes later in pregnancy. 

I envy other pregnant women who can relax into their pregnancies and complain about how the baby is taking too long to come, how they are gigantic, etc. I will never again be able to be carefree or joke about that kind of thing. Chances are, assuming everything goes well, that we will be monitored closely, then induced early. I used to dream of natural birth, me going into labour when my body and baby decided it was right, me having the option of choosing drugs or no drugs...I'll never know what a normal birth experience feels like. Talk about having your confidence shaken to the core! 

To be honest, it is so hard for me to believe that this baby will live and come home. I want to believe that, but I am too afraid right now. I hope that changes later on. A lot of people like to attempt reassurance and tell me of all the other moms they know who have lost a baby, then gone on to have more, but seeing as I know about a million percent more about the topic, I don't see it as reassuring at all, as bitter as that may make me sound. I would rather people just acknowledged that I (we) are in a scary place after going through a horrific loss and just be there for us. I am so grateful for the many friends and family who are doing exactly that.

Coming Up
The good: We are taking a little mini-vacation later this month that I am really looking forward to. I have had no vacation time since I went back to work in June, and this adventure will take me places I have never visited before. And to food I have not eaten before (that is mostly where my mind is at).

The bad: I am going to be so super busy at work before we go away! We have a huge event happening this coming week that will require a lot of time and energy and evening hours. I am so pooped even thinking about it.

The "I'm not sure": We have been scheduled for an appointment with the MFM specialist (Maternal Fetal Medicine) in December. I am both excited for it and nervous about it; I am excited because I hope to get some reassurance based on facts and research. However, I am nervous that they will say they know little about this cord defect and say it is unlikely to reoccur (how can I believe that when it has hardly been studied?) I researched the heck out of hypercoiled cords and came up with very little information (what I did find was not encouraging). At any rate, the MFM will be able to recommend a monitoring plan for the remainder of the pregnancy, and knowing that will help a little.

The End
I know this is a little gloomy for a pregnancy blog, but I know it will perk up as things progress. Thank you for following along!

The nickname "Snowpea" has been gaining some popularity, but I'm not sure yet if it will stick. Stay tuned for Baby Blob-sac's permanent nickname. :)

Week 6: We Meet the Blob-sac

What an exhausting week. I had truly forgotten just how much early pregnancy sucks the energy out of you. It's very different from late pregnancy, where your physical exhaustion has a lot more to do with being gigantic and uncomfortable, not sleeping, and having 50% more blood pumping through your body. It's also different than regular exhaustion. I know that for sure, as I spent 4 months straight with insomnia this winter and I am telling you that even chronic insomnia has nothing on early pregnancy. Unless you have both, which is happening to me this week. P-R-E-G-O-Z-O-M-B-I-E.

I was really excited when the doc ordered an early dating ultrasound until the ultrasound tech kept saying, "it's really too early, I don't know why they sent you this early, I can't really get a good look at it." She dated us at 6 weeks, 3 days just after saying she couldn't see well enough. I had placed myself more at 7 weeks, 5 days based on knowledge of my dates. I could be off by 3-4 days at most, but I really doubt I am off by almost a week and a half. Anyway, I digress. I am keeping my original due date until otherwise notified that I am wrong down the road. *Hiss*

We were really nervous going into in the appointment. The last time we'd had an ultrasound was on what I call The Worst Day (for obvious reasons) and the thought of looking at another ultrasound screen made me sick to the stomach. Danny was nervous too - he told me after that when the tech asked me to hold my breath, he was holding his too.

We ended up getting an okay look, saw a very healthy heart rate of 155bpm, and got this screenshot of our little raspberry (that is how big baby is right now). When I sent this photo to my sister-in-law, I said, "the baby is the little blob in the dark sac" and she called it the "Blob-sac." I swear we'll come up with a better nickname...

With that, I (and Baby Blob-sac) are signing out.

Weeks 3 and 4: Hello, Blump.

"They" always say that every pregnancy is different and that your symptoms with a second pregnancy can be completely unlike a first pregnancy. Well, "they" are right! Around the time I started to suspect I might be pregnant this time, the signs were mostly familiar, but not the same early signs that I had the first time.

The Early Symptoms:

• Head to toe pimples (well, head to ankle, to be precise. Ewwww).
• Ovarian pain and severe cramping around implantation.
• Slightly tender breasts (but not the howling pain of last time).
• Fatigue (this took longer to hit last time).
• Dizziness. This one is totally new to me - I've had it since 4 weeks!
• A "full" feeling in my uterus at 4 weeks. I thought, "hmm, this feels familiar!" It was the first time I really thought I might be pregnant. 
• Last, but certainly not least, constipation (and its awful minion, THE SUPER BLOAT).

What is Missing:

• Morning sickness. I have had only the most minor nausea from time to time due to the hormones slowing down my digestive tract. But no morning sickness! This happened almost immediately last time.
• Morning Sickness's buddy, Super Smell. It is heightened, for sure, but nowhere near what it was last time!
• Extreme hunger. I haven't been any more hungry than usual. Last time, I was like a Hobbit with my "elevensies."

Some of the ladies on my message boards call a bloat-bump a "blump" and it always strikes me as funny. I definitely have a "blump"! So much so that, when I told a close friend I was expecting, she said, "I thought you might be, because I noticed your little bump the other day." I was only around 7 weeks at the time, though I have been this big since about 4 weeks.

My pants already don't fit and I am actually having a skinny day here.
Last time I was 12 weeks before this happened!

My affectionate name for myself right now is The Whale-rus. As for the little one, we can't decide on a nickname. So far, we have tried and ruled out the following (I love bullet points, can you tell?)

1. Bean
2. Spud
3. Squib
4. Sparrow
5. Snowpea (this one might grow on us).

We'll eventually get there. It's kind of hard to follow after a great prenatal nickname like "Shrimpy"!

Whale-rus, OUT!