At the Start

I've been thinking about endings and beginnings and how they are two sides of the same coin. I had an ending/beginning this week; I put in my resignation at work. I won't get into the whys here, but let's just say that I made the right decision and this is another step toward hope, health, and living life to the fullest. I certainly feel a sense of loss, as I established the job and put processes and materials in place that will now be inherited by someone else. It's hard to leave it all behind in favour of a fresh start, but I do feel excited at the thought of a new adventure. Things worked together financially at just the right time, so I do not have to rush into a new position just yet.

I did have another short cycle in May as predicted - only 23 days! But this cycle seems to be normal and I am grateful. With all the work upset we didn't try all that hard, so I'm not expecting anything this month. It was kind of nice to step away from it while we figured things out.

So I'm home. Sunshine is pouring through the window, one persistent bird has been singing for hours outside, and I've had a peaceful day reading articles, eating healthy food, and talking to friends.

I'm at the start of something new. I hope that it is also something good.

Shark Week in 3...2...1

This cycle, I was the most "unplugged" that I have ever been since we started trying to conceive (TTC). I didn't look at my tracking app other than to log ovulation and to check something for the doctor. I put in a few notes today when I felt familiar (unwelcome) cramping start, but I was a good girl for almost a whole month! I'm proud of myself - gold star! Now to keep up the good habits next month. :)

This will be another short cycle once the Red Lady (aka: Aunt Flo) arrives, but at least within the normal range. I wish my body would straighten itself out and decide what it is doing!

Since we're on the topic of periods, I will share two great period euphemisms that I learned today:

1) The commies are in the funhouse. (Think about it).

2) Shark week. (It slays me).

They're both great. I laughed a great deal when I read them in an email exchange with someone much cleverer than I. What are your favourites? (Seriously, cheer me up - spill!)

Of Course

It always seems to be the case that, when you make up your mind to change something, factors play together to foil your intentions. After deciding to quit my app's social group and stop tracking, I had the weirdest cycle of my life and ended up recording it in my app and sneaking onto the social part sometimes too. Ovulation more than a week early, wild symptoms, extreme cramping for days on end, crazy mood swings, and then a period early too...so early that the entire cycle was only 18 days in duration. I have not, in almost 20 years of having my period, ever had such a thing happen. I'm bewildered, depressed, and, of course, feeling hopeless. So...now it is resolution time again.

I decided this morning to listen to my smart hubby and declare we are no longer "trying." That doesn't mean we will prevent pregnancy from happening, but we can't live in this endless state of expectancy and hopeful "planning" and, ultimately, disappointment. I'm putting away the ovulation sticks, writing no daily notes, and just going on with my life. It's time. Past time, really. 

My two week yoga and Pilates class trial opened my eyes to how much I need movement and self care in my life. Though my muscles are aching from all the work, I feel revived and refocused. My goal from here on out is getting myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually where I need to be. If expanding our family happens on the way, that would be amazing, but it can no longer be my primary focus.

I will say that a cycle 18 days long truly is abnormal and I will be consulting a doctor about it...it just won't be Dr. Google.

Have any of you made a similar resolution?

Another Step

It's often very apparent what we need to do, yet we resist, thinking, "I'll start tomorrow" or "things aren't really that bad." I've known for a very long time that I needed to get my body healthy and that my poor diet and lack of exercise needed to change. I'm chronically under-hydrated and never get enough sleep too, so basically everything needs a fixin'. What really put me over the edge is the discovery of painful varicose veins in my legs, which I have read can be helped by exercise. Well, FINE then!

I finally got up the courage to try a yoga class today after a full year of good intentions and it was...wonderful. I left feeling so at peace and empowered. I'm really excited for my next class! This past year I have worked hard on getting my mind and emotions to a healing place and now it is time for my body to follow suit.

For the first time since I lost Haven, I have felt this week that I am really going to be okay no matter what happens. I'm letting go of my "control" over the situation and stepping back to let what is going to happen, happen. I have to be honest, of course, and say that I slip up alllllll of the time and fall right back into my old mindsets, but it's a journey, not a destination. :)

A Step Back

I had a sudden realization this morning that I am investing far too much time and energy and emotion into the process of trying to conceive and it is negatively affecting my life. With symptom notes and potential due date calculations and pregnancy tests and google searches and obsessing over everything, my mind has been so wrapped up in it that I have ended up with a big joy deficit. I haven't been the wife, employee, or friend that I should be, and that's not cool.

I made the decision to mostly step away from the app that I use to track everything. It was a really hard decision because I have been a part of an absolutely wonderful group of ladies on the social part who have had similar experiences to me and are also now trying to conceive. They've really kept me afloat some days, but I don't have the willpower to open the app to talk to them and not end up staring at my notes and making calculations.

As I drove to work today, I was listening to a devotional CD in my car and the message was basically about letting things distract you from what is important in life. I wasn't looking for a confirmation, but there is was all the same.

I am taking a step back. I plan to use this blog a little more often to channel my emotions into something positive, and in all the time I will save by not obsessing, I'll do things that I enjoy and invest in all of my relationships in a new way.

I'm only a few hours in and it is already so hard (I miss my app ladies!) but the sense of relief I feel is another confirmation that I am doing the right thing.

Crystal Ball

There has never been a time in my life where I have so wanted to know the future. If I could just look forward two years and know what becomes of all this, I could make decisions and find a way to be content with whatever our lot is. Instead, we are back on the trying to conceive wagon hoping that this time is different.

It's so weird to be in this place. My pregnancy with Haven was a blessed, unplanned surprise. I was totally happy to wait to start trying, but she just...happened. I was sure everything would be okay, and everything pointed to me being right. Even after she died, I felt positive that, once I conceived again, that would be it, our second chance. I was worried about the end, not the beginning. Again, I was wrong. 

My mind is full of worries over my reproductive health and whether I will be able to bear living children. My body has changed so much since birth and even more since the D&C and I am worried it has been damaged.

My confidence is in tatters.

Ugh. Down day.