Week 8: The Chill Creeps In

Winter is settling on St. John's. The wind is icy, the leaves are dead, and...I have dug out my impressive scarf collection! This one is a giant double-sided plaid dealy that I am loving right now - it's almost the size of a blanket!

But this post isn't about my scarf love... 

This Week

It went by quickly! With the preparation for the dance recital, the event itself, and the aftermath, I didn't have time to think about being pregnant. As a highly internal person, the idea of being happy about less time to think is strange, but I have learned the value of quality distraction this year. Though us thinkers crave time alone, it is not always beneficial. A task, something that makes me feel worthwhile, is helpful in getting this anxious mind out of the what ifs.

I still haven't fully wrapped my mind around the fact that I am pregnant. I even caught myself running and doing things that I probably shouldn't have been doing during the event. Not from neglect, but because I actually feel pretty normal most days. If it wasn't for my extreme exhaustion and a few other mild symptoms, I wouldn't even believe this was actually happening. It is a mercy, though...if I were constantly reminded of this pregnancy and all that could go wrong, I would be nonfunctional right now.

A part of the calm is, in a way, to do with the fact that I have already done this once and most things are not a surprise. For instance, this time I know that I can sleep however I want until the second trimester, whereas last time I suffered right from 6 to 38 weeks on my side! I also know that most aches and pains are just par for the course, like round ligament pain, etc. It's good to know this stuff because it helps me to not worry every time I have a twinge!

Telling People

We were shown love in so many ways after Haven died, and it really changed my perspective on a lot of the people in our lives. It is not often you are in a situation where all of the masks fall off and the curtains are flung back. I have been feeling a little of that again since we started telling our friends about this pregnancy. The reactions have been so happy and so excited. There have been tears and hugs and exclamations...it is good to be loved.

I don't think we will go the social media route this time with telling people. I have been enjoying just telling people as I feel ready to. Having a not-secret secret is a bit fun too!

The Bean

Baby still has no nickname. I think we'll just do without this time, unless something great comes along.

Anyway, this was not the most focused post, but there it is.

Scarves!!

Week 7: Bloatasaurus Dreams of Sleep

Symptoms This Week

The title says it all. I am bloated, grumpy, and exhausted. I keep thanking my lucky stars that I am not sick this time - I had forgotten how truly awful it was. However, I am so dragged out that I hardly leave the couch anyway. :)

Look at my little pooch! It's bigger than my 12 week pooch last time, and I have been like this since I got pregnant this time. I am wearing my maternity gear in this photo already. Thank goodness for stretchy pants!

What We Did

We attended two CD release shows! Last night, we attended Amelia Curran's release, then Danny attended our dear friend Jerry Stamp's release. They are two of my favourite artists, so I am really looking forward to hearing the finished products. 

How I am Doing

Nervous wreck, here. I had some anxiety last time around, as does any woman in the first trimester, but this time it is much more amplified and is showing no signs of slowing down. See, most women think that after the first trimester they are "safe," whereas I am utterly terrified of what comes later in pregnancy. 

I envy other pregnant women who can relax into their pregnancies and complain about how the baby is taking too long to come, how they are gigantic, etc. I will never again be able to be carefree or joke about that kind of thing. Chances are, assuming everything goes well, that we will be monitored closely, then induced early. I used to dream of natural birth, me going into labour when my body and baby decided it was right, me having the option of choosing drugs or no drugs...I'll never know what a normal birth experience feels like. Talk about having your confidence shaken to the core! 

To be honest, it is so hard for me to believe that this baby will live and come home. I want to believe that, but I am too afraid right now. I hope that changes later on. A lot of people like to attempt reassurance and tell me of all the other moms they know who have lost a baby, then gone on to have more, but seeing as I know about a million percent more about the topic, I don't see it as reassuring at all, as bitter as that may make me sound. I would rather people just acknowledged that I (we) are in a scary place after going through a horrific loss and just be there for us. I am so grateful for the many friends and family who are doing exactly that.

Coming Up
The good: We are taking a little mini-vacation later this month that I am really looking forward to. I have had no vacation time since I went back to work in June, and this adventure will take me places I have never visited before. And to food I have not eaten before (that is mostly where my mind is at).

The bad: I am going to be so super busy at work before we go away! We have a huge event happening this coming week that will require a lot of time and energy and evening hours. I am so pooped even thinking about it.

The "I'm not sure": We have been scheduled for an appointment with the MFM specialist (Maternal Fetal Medicine) in December. I am both excited for it and nervous about it; I am excited because I hope to get some reassurance based on facts and research. However, I am nervous that they will say they know little about this cord defect and say it is unlikely to reoccur (how can I believe that when it has hardly been studied?) I researched the heck out of hypercoiled cords and came up with very little information (what I did find was not encouraging). At any rate, the MFM will be able to recommend a monitoring plan for the remainder of the pregnancy, and knowing that will help a little.

The End
I know this is a little gloomy for a pregnancy blog, but I know it will perk up as things progress. Thank you for following along!

The nickname "Snowpea" has been gaining some popularity, but I'm not sure yet if it will stick. Stay tuned for Baby Blob-sac's permanent nickname. :)

Week 6: We Meet the Blob-sac

What an exhausting week. I had truly forgotten just how much early pregnancy sucks the energy out of you. It's very different from late pregnancy, where your physical exhaustion has a lot more to do with being gigantic and uncomfortable, not sleeping, and having 50% more blood pumping through your body. It's also different than regular exhaustion. I know that for sure, as I spent 4 months straight with insomnia this winter and I am telling you that even chronic insomnia has nothing on early pregnancy. Unless you have both, which is happening to me this week. P-R-E-G-O-Z-O-M-B-I-E.

I was really excited when the doc ordered an early dating ultrasound until the ultrasound tech kept saying, "it's really too early, I don't know why they sent you this early, I can't really get a good look at it." She dated us at 6 weeks, 3 days just after saying she couldn't see well enough. I had placed myself more at 7 weeks, 5 days based on knowledge of my dates. I could be off by 3-4 days at most, but I really doubt I am off by almost a week and a half. Anyway, I digress. I am keeping my original due date until otherwise notified that I am wrong down the road. *Hiss*

We were really nervous going into in the appointment. The last time we'd had an ultrasound was on what I call The Worst Day (for obvious reasons) and the thought of looking at another ultrasound screen made me sick to the stomach. Danny was nervous too - he told me after that when the tech asked me to hold my breath, he was holding his too.

We ended up getting an okay look, saw a very healthy heart rate of 155bpm, and got this screenshot of our little raspberry (that is how big baby is right now). When I sent this photo to my sister-in-law, I said, "the baby is the little blob in the dark sac" and she called it the "Blob-sac." I swear we'll come up with a better nickname...

With that, I (and Baby Blob-sac) are signing out.

A Good Day (or, The Day I Peed on a Stick and it Was Awesome)

After a few months of trying to conceive (TTC), I wasn't about to get my hopes up. I waited until I was almost a full week late and having obvious symptoms before I busted out the pee-sticks (and I made sure they were the good ones). I was really excited that morning; I had a great plan for telling hubby if I was indeed pregnant.

I had purchased a bottle of consolation wine for myself in case we found out we were not pregnant and I told Danny that, if I was pregnant, it was all his. Well. I woke up at 7:30am, unable to sleep another wink until I found out for sure. I stealthily took a test and, lo and behold, what the TTC world calls a BFP (Big Fat Positive).

Big Fat Positive!

I snuck across the apartment and slipped the bottle of wine into a gift bag, crept into the bedroom, placed it on Danny's nightstand, then slithered under the covers. I was going to wait until he woke up, but when he stirred, I just couldn't wait...

Me: Babe, I have an early birthday gift for you!

Danny: Murphle murph.

Me: It's next to you on the nightstand.

Danny (groping around in the dim light, making contact with the top of the bottle): Whisky. Am I right?

Me: ...just...open it.

Danny: I can open it later.

Me: Gahhh, open it now!

Danny (starting to clue in): Do you have another extra-special birthday gift for me?

Me (sighing): ...yes.

Danny (finally waking up): REALLY?

Me (laughing): YES, you ruiner!

It just so happened that we were planning to spend the day with a friend of ours out in Witless Bay, a nearby town where we once lived. We snapped a few beautiful pictures, had a yummy fish and chips lunch, and headed back to the city feeling great.

October 11: the day we found out we would be parents for the second time.

I'm glad we had such a perfect day, considering the (hopefully) long and daunting pregnancy ahead of us. What an amazing and terrifying feeling it was to realize that we were pregnant again. We were so caught up with actually getting pregnant that, when we finally found out, we were a little in shock.

But October 11 was a good day. This little one deserves to have all the fanfare that his or her big sister had, and that is why this blog exists. I can't wait to welcome this little bean into the world.

Weeks 3 and 4: Hello, Blump.

"They" always say that every pregnancy is different and that your symptoms with a second pregnancy can be completely unlike a first pregnancy. Well, "they" are right! Around the time I started to suspect I might be pregnant this time, the signs were mostly familiar, but not the same early signs that I had the first time.

The Early Symptoms:

• Head to toe pimples (well, head to ankle, to be precise. Ewwww).
• Ovarian pain and severe cramping around implantation.
• Slightly tender breasts (but not the howling pain of last time).
• Fatigue (this took longer to hit last time).
• Dizziness. This one is totally new to me - I've had it since 4 weeks!
• A "full" feeling in my uterus at 4 weeks. I thought, "hmm, this feels familiar!" It was the first time I really thought I might be pregnant. 
• Last, but certainly not least, constipation (and its awful minion, THE SUPER BLOAT).

What is Missing:

• Morning sickness. I have had only the most minor nausea from time to time due to the hormones slowing down my digestive tract. But no morning sickness! This happened almost immediately last time.
• Morning Sickness's buddy, Super Smell. It is heightened, for sure, but nowhere near what it was last time!
• Extreme hunger. I haven't been any more hungry than usual. Last time, I was like a Hobbit with my "elevensies."

Some of the ladies on my message boards call a bloat-bump a "blump" and it always strikes me as funny. I definitely have a "blump"! So much so that, when I told a close friend I was expecting, she said, "I thought you might be, because I noticed your little bump the other day." I was only around 7 weeks at the time, though I have been this big since about 4 weeks.

My pants already don't fit and I am actually having a skinny day here.
Last time I was 12 weeks before this happened!

My affectionate name for myself right now is The Whale-rus. As for the little one, we can't decide on a nickname. So far, we have tried and ruled out the following (I love bullet points, can you tell?)

1. Bean
2. Spud
3. Squib
4. Sparrow
5. Snowpea (this one might grow on us).

We'll eventually get there. It's kind of hard to follow after a great prenatal nickname like "Shrimpy"!

Whale-rus, OUT!